Yeah so I am kind of down. Depressed. Moody. Overwhelmed. I HATE the unknown. Not knowing how we are going to pay the bills next month. Not knowing where we might end up moving, let alone if we will even like it. Not knowing what we are going to do about our house. Not knowing what to do for a husband who has been hurt by people we trusted. Not knowing when the wait of wanting to be pregnant is over.
I need a ray of sunshine, a light at the end of the tunnel. A glimpse of hope. Even better a peace about the unknown. I need laughter. Wow I am typing this through tears in my eyes. Oh the tears how I hate them. They come when I least expect them and they just frustrate me more. They don't wash away the pain, they don't bring back friends. But yet they come and they just make a mess of my makeup.
This evening we were reading to Cadence the story of Gideon (veggie tale style) and how he "tested" God. I kind of want to do that. Anybody have an extra piece of fleece? Through all the things God has asked of us recently the main thing has been to just trust. He is in control. We can handle unemployment. We can handle the disappointment of not being pregnant. We can handle the uncertainties of life. But we can't do it alone.
How I wish Christ was here on earth and he can just grab my hand and lead. I mean literally in the flesh be on earth. Don't get all theological or spiritual on me and tell me, "but he is with you". As a visual learner it would be easier to just see him. But he isn't anymore. He came once and will again someday and until that day I press forward. I do my best to follow him and do his will.
You know what's the hardest for me to accept in these times? That this is the best. Literally. What's happening now is the best thing that could be happening to you right now. Josh not having a job is infinitely better than him having a job right now. You not being pregnant is in God's plan. And then you have the next question-- "really? this is the BEST? I mean, I've seen what you have created, God, and it's STUNNING. but this is it? I mean, this is what I'm given to work with? This is the best." and then He smiles and says "yes." And it really makes no sense to us. But I find that reminding myself that the troubles I'm facing are infinitely better than anything else that could be happening right now because they are in His plan, whereas anything else is outside of His will. When I remember that, I remember that He has control and that there's a meaning. Even when it seems weird (I mean, that's because it is), and silly, it's better. Hope this brings you peace. Praying for you!
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